Thrown from heaven
Opening for you
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door."
Leak roof
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Give and take
In a gentlemen's club where the man at reception who cloaks the member's hats, coats, umbrellas, gloves has a reputation for an infallible memory. In 30 years, he is reputed never to have given the wrong coat, hat, gloves or umbrella to any member when they left the club. One day, a member decided to test it out. As he left the club and was handed his coat, he asked the concierge, "How do know this is my coat?" "I don't, Sir," came the reply "Well, why did you give it to me?" "Because, Sir, you gave it to me."
Ice cream flavors
Customer: What flavors of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have sore throat?"
"No...." replied the waitress with some effort, "just... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
Cool trick
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign that said "Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal that looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
Fast treatment
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks," a man said to his friend.
"Was he successful?" his friend asked.
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
Small price
The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment. Then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"
Judge's wish
In a traffic court, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket (challan) given her for driving through a red light. She requested the judge she was a schoolteacher and an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a schoolteacher, eh?" he continued, "Madam, sit down at that table and write 'I will never jump a red light again' 500 times! "
Wedding report
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said 'do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast."
Strange Race
A blonde went to watch an athletic meet with her boyfriend. In the racing event, she asked her boyfriend: "Why are all these people running"?
Her friend replied: "This is a race, the winner will get the cup".
The bewildered blonde asked, "If only the winner will get the cup, why are the others running?"
Real friend
Just after David expelled his maid, she took five bucks from her purse & threw it to the family dog. When David asked the reason, she answered: I never forget a friend. This was because of helping me clean the dishes all the time!
Who will drink
After Wedding Ceremony
High in spirits
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
Watery formula
Teacher: "Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?"
Donald: "H I J K L M N O."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Donald: "Yesterday you said it's H to O."
Haven’t seen a little boy
A little boy got into the women's change room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Heaven or hell
A little girl was talking to her teacher about an accident.
Girl: Ma'm, My friends say John was run over by a car.
Teacher: No no, baby, he was killed when a bus hit him.
Girl insisted: I am sure he was run over by a car. I'll ask John when I go to heaven.
Irritated teacher: What if John went to hell.
Girl: Then you ask him.
Nameless game
Hiring rules
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizeable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it that you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."
Faking it
At long last the good-humoured boss was compelled to call John into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know you're right, sir," exclaimed John. "I didn't realise it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
Burglar’s silence
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house so silently without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Medical term
The man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy bum."
"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
Mom’s toothbrush
A 4 year old kid came out of the bathroom to tell his mother he had dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. Mother fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He thought for a moment, then ran to bathroom and came out with his mom's toothbrush. He said with a charming little smile: We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it also fell in the toilet a few days ago.
Garden Of Eden
A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favourite Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn a man driving an old car. In the back seat were two passengers, both scantily dressed. "It's a lovely picture, but which story does it tell?" said the teacher. Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"
Honour
"Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very generous, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Division of labour
A couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation. "It's simple," he said, "division of labour. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."
"And you?" "I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."
Christmas gift
Sweet heart!
Bill was invited for dinner by a friend. Every time he needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "Darling", "Sweet-heart", etc. etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." Bill replied, "Well, honestly speaking, I've just forgotten her name
Sweet heart!
Bill was invited for dinner by a friend. Every time he needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "Darling", "Sweet-heart", etc. etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." Bill replied, "Well, honestly speaking, I've just forgotten her name."
National Mentality
When an insect falls into a mug of beer...
Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.
American: Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Indian: Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Pakistani: 1) Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer.
2) Relates the issue to Kashmir.
3) Asks the Chinese for Military aid.
4) Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.
I m not a swimming coach
Waiter, 2 flies are drowned in my soup!
Waiter: Should I stop my work and train them how to swim.
Drunk
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?" The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking."
"Fair enough," replied the lush. "I'll come back when you sober up."
Double trouble
A blonde was driving along a road by a wheat field when she saw another blonde in the middle of the field rowing a rowboat. The driver blonde stopped her car and shouted, "Hey, what are you doing?" The blonde in the boat said: "Can't you see I'm rowing a boat in the sea of wheat." She said: "You know, it's blondes like you who made us a laughing stock all over the world. Only if I knew how to swim, I'd have come and given you a slap on the face."
Fly in soup
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
Day of Judgement
Two kids were talking when one said to his other: "My grandfather knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he also knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too."
Friend: "Wow, that's incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Kid: "A judge told him."
Trust and understanding
Two men were talking about the secret of a long and happy marriage.
"Our marriage," said one "is built on trust and understanding." "My wife doesn't trust me and I don't understand her."
Criminal not found
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered "Yes" to the previous question, was " Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught. "
WoW !! Hiding a Secret
A man is at work one day when notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings." "Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly. "Really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"
Life support
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
Car operating system
Bill's company made software to run a car. Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side. Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes. A pop-up window appeared asking, "Are you sure you really want to stop?" Before Bill could enter "Yes", there was a crash and the car caught fire.
In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door. He started shouting "F1! F1!" but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams. Then he tried to come out through the car window-pane. A message appeared on the screen, "An illegal function is performed. All the window-panes of the car will be closed. " Poor Bill died.
Messengers of death took away his soul and said to him, "You have never ever performed any good deeds in your life. You always stole the code from others. We are going to send you to hell." Bill pleaded, "I am ready to go to hell but do provide me a computer, please." Messengers of death smiled inwardly and permitted him a computer, but with no Alt, Ctrl and Delete keys on the keyboard.
Cop’s choice
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
Flip side
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - Oh, my God."
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants."
With a sigh of relief, a passenger in the coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine."
Back from Heaven
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her four-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"
Mis-spell
On their second wedding anniversary, a man after reaching his office thought of sending a bouquet to his wife. He telephoned a florist and told him to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. In the evening the husband came back anticipating a romantic welcome but was aghast to find her in a very pensive mood instead. The wife threw the flowers and the card at him which read: "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
Goldfish
Diane, a blonde, buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend over to see all her beautiful goldfish. Lauren remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"
Diane replies, "Simple. I just blindfold them."
3 mistakes
One day after school, a kid ran into the house waving a paper in the air. "Hey, mom, great news. There were only three mistakes in my maths homework," he announced. "You made one, dad made one and I made one."
You’re right
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
Food facts
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
Tooth Pulling
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $99.
Patient: $99 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Dentist's hands
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
Razor for defence
A fellow getting a shave from an amateur barber asked him if he had another razor. "Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one?" "I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself."
Toilet paper
Two blondes and a brunette were walking down the beach when a seagull dumps a load on one of the blondes. The brunette says, "I'll go and get some toilet paper. "When she left, one blonde turns to the other and says, "By the time she return with toilet paper the seagull will be miles away".
2 drunks
Two drunks were walking down a railroad track one night when one drunk stops and says, "This is the longest set of stairs I have ever seen." The other drunk says, "Yes and these damned handrails are too low too."
Indian Cyber Cop
Man: Please register my complaint, my computer is stolen.
Police constable: Is internet also stolen?
Mouse Pad
Customer: I'd like a mouse mat, please.
Salesperson: Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.
Customer: Make sure it is compatible with my computer.
Doubt
A cantor, the man who sings prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice:
"Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
Sympathy
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Mother replied, "So what do u want from me, sympathy?"
Define Politician
A person who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after that.
* * *
Q. What's the difference between a politician and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
* * *
Q. How can you tell when a politician is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
Smart Terrorists
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one politician every hour.
Bravo !!! Politician
A politician to a woman, "You look beautiful today."
The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I cannot say the same about you."
"Sure you could," said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do."
Fatal dosage
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.
"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any qualms or any pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?"
"Yes," she answered. "There was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him."
"And, when was that?"
"When he asked for the another cup of coffee."
Lawyer jokes
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
* * *
Only 99 percent lawyers are cunning, they give the rest a bad name.
Lawyer’s fees
Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?
Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!
Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?
Chicken Tri-legged
A man was driving along a rural road when he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road. He followed the chicken in his car and clocked it at 45 miles per hour. When the man got to the farmhouse, he asked the farmer about the chicken. The farmer replied, "Well, when I was at the university I studied genetics. I thought I'd see if I could make a three-legged chicken. So, here it is."
The man was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?"
The farmer replied, "Don't know. I have not been able to catch one yet."
I know my feet
A three-year old boy put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I know they're my feet."
Best Suitable
Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is looking down in the dumps. "What's wrong now Bob," asked Bill. Bob replies, "They called in a management team and gave everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for." "Yeah, so what's the problem with that," asks Bill. Bob sighs, "Well, it seems I'm best suited for unemployment."
Dogs Vs Cats
A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!
A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me ... I must be a god!
Poor burglar
"Get this", said the bloke to his mates, "Last night, while I was down at the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house." "Did he get anything?" his mates asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
Hair Direction
A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on. "I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."
Try again...this year
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Read less. Makes you think.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more.
Starting tomorrow.
Spend more time at work, surfing
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Not have eight children at once.
Start being superstitious.
Personal goal: bring back disco.
Only wear jeans that are two sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
Not eat cloned meat.
Create loose ends. Get further in debt.
Not believe politicians.
Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
Associate with even worse business clients.
Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
Wait around for opportunity.
Focus on the faults of others. Mope about my faults.
Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Yoga cures nail biting
A girl had habit of biting her fingernails. She started doing yoga to cure the problem. Soon her fingernails started growing normally.
Seeing this, her friend asked if yoga had totally cured her problem.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
Yoga Vs drinking
Yoga teacher to a woman: Has yoga any effect over your husband's drinking habit?
Woman: Yes, Yes !! An amazing effect !! Now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.
Dangerous dog
Triple riding
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?" The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
Burglar’s alarm
A woman woke her husband one night and said, "There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie." "Oh dear," said her husband, "Who shall I call, police or ambulance?"
Strange Time Difference
A drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. "About two hours," says the conductor.
"OK," says the drunk, "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?"
The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas."
Last word
"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.
"It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.
"I am to be referred to only as Mrs Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling... my name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is...."
Dog for sale
Buyer to seller: Is your dog faithful?
Seller: Yes, I have sold it 3 times earlier also. It is so faithful, everytime it returned back to me.
Wise coach
During a football game one of the players takes a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn't move. The physician and coach grabbed first-aid gear and rushed out on to the field. The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Hey, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
Battery life
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier. He grumbled to the owner of the garage, "When I bought that battery, you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"
"Sorry," apologised the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
Poor judgment
A man committed murder. To fight his case, he was advised to hire a good lawyer. He checked one who asked for $100. He thought this wasn't good enough. The next one wanted $500. The next $5000. He found a real expensive one who wanted $10,0000. So the accused hired him. Ultimately he lost the case and was sentenced to death. As he was being taken to the death chamber, the first lawyer met him on the way and said, "I would have got you this result for $100 only."
Doctor’s promise
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor. He was treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."
Prompt act
Three Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about their companies' service. The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to mail a check to the wife on Wednesday evening". The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in two hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening." The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of a building. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor."
Words of love
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky. "Mmm hmm." replied Dave. "Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Mmm hmm." "Do you think my lips are like rose petals?" "Mmm hmm." "Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
Airbag
A married couple is driving along a motorway doing a steady 50 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce".
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 55 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly, and slowly increases the speed to 65. He pushes his luck. "I want the house", he says insistently. She takes the speed up to 70. "I want the car, too." She continues and takes the car up to 75 mph. "And," he says, "I'll, of course, keep all the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the plane." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies, in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he asks, "So what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles and says: "The airbag."
Long & short of it
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," she says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140 lbs. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5". She then takes the patient's blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. "Of course it's high." she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender. Now I'm short and fat."
Fired Cook
"Don't ask" the actress sighed, "She prepared food fine, but told everyone that she had been serving me for forty years ."
Candy
A boy is running along a road and meets a woman. He says, "Aunt, would you like a candy?"
"Thank you, my boy. Thank you."
She takes the candy and chews it.
"Thank you, it's a very good candy."
"That was I thought too, but why both my dog and my cat spat it out?"
Wise Answer
A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin."
Clean cup
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the cup is clean!"
Waiter instructs the cook: "Two teas, with one asked for a clean cup."
Self-help
A man went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where's the self-help section?"
The saleswoman smiled and said, "If I tell you, it would defeat the purpose".
Scent of sin
A teenage girl shopped at the mall and stopped at the perfume counter. She sees My Sin, Desire, and Ecstasy. She says to the salesperson, "I don't want to get emotionally involved...I just want to smell nice."
Faith
A nun who works for a local home healthcare agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station and filled it with gasoline. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One was heard to exclaim, "Now that is what I call faith!"
Wonderful coffee
Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. How wonderful it would be if you serve me coffee free of cost today.
Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. How wonderful it would be if you drink from an empty cup today !!!
Lion in a mess
"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"
"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"
Time Out
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground. The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before he had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch. "How did you do that?" asked one of his friends. "My watch is 30 minutes slow."
Solution
Two deaf men were talking during their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
Distantly Related
Santa: So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Banta: Yes- their dog is our dog's brother.
Salary is Must
Laloo was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure
what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!
Strange Game ?
Santa: Why are all these people running?
Banta: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Santa: If only winner will get the cup, why are others running?
Help at hand
"How come you're late?" asked the boss, as the blonde worker walked into the office. "It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course." "What did you do?" asked the boss. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting."
Ashamed
A candidate was being interviewed for a managerial post. At the conclusion of the interview the employer said, "Please don't tell anyone what we're paying you."
"Don't worry sir," the candidate replied. "I'm as ashamed of my salary as you are."
Free haircut
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment — shave, manicure, haircut, etc — he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot al about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, sonny, we're going to get a free haircut.'"
If I die
Jeeto: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will you remarry?
Santa: No, I'll also stay with your sister.
Mom's Secret
Son: "Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?"
Father: "No. Why do you ask that?"
Son: "Well, where did you get mommy then?"
Hard sell
A life insurance salesman was trying hard to sell a policy to a nonchalant customer. After having exhausted all his salesmanship tricks, he relented finally and said: "Don't let me pressure you," the life insurance salesman said. "Sleep on it tonight. If you wake up in the morning, you can give me a call."
Job at the zoo
An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage. As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, help."
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs."
German visit
An English tourist visited Germany. He assumed that most Germans would speak English. But he found that many people spoke only their native tongue, including the ticket inspector on the train. The ticket inspector punched his ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. The tourist simply nodded from time to time to show him that he was interested. When the collector had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if he spoke German.
"No," the Englishman confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
Birthday present
Grasshoppers
Chicken out
"Doctor, I have a son who thinks he's a chicken," said the man. "Why don't you bring him in for treatment?" asked the doctor.
"We need the eggs," replied the man.
Quit smoking
A young man at a New Year's party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
"I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking," his friend says.
"I'm in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one." the man says.
"What's phase one?"
"I've quit buying."
Suitable reason
An employee in a government office needed a new dictionary for office use. He had to fill in a request form for the same. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed."
The issuing officer who had expected a usual answer: "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off" was amazed to read his reason. The employee wrote, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft'." He got his new dictionary.
Ring the bell
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman coming down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself."
Early to err
Teacher: Johnny, how can anyone make so many mistakes in one day? Johnny: "Simple, because I get up early."
Don't Worry
There are only two things to worry about in life — either you are healthy, or you are sick. If you are healthy, you have nothing to worry about, but if you are sick you have two things to worry about: either you'll get better, or you'll die. If you get better you have nothing to worry about, but if you die, you have two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven, or you will go to hell. If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about, but if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with your friends, you won't have time to worry.
Talk about Sales
"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road. "All I got were two orders."
"What were they? Anything good?"
"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!'
Job well done
"Yes, I'm a pretty good painter," he said.
"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth." It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. finished!" he reported with a smile.
"Did you do a good job?" she asked.
"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes."
Costly lesson
"What happened to you?" asked a bystander of the man lying on the sidewalk outside a beauty parlour. The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look at her and said, 'Well, honey, at least you tried.'"
Last choice
"I'm afraid you only have three weeks to live," the doctor told his patient. The patient replied, "Then I'll take the last two weeks in "July and the week between Christmas and New Year."
Pistol for husband
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. . .
"He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
Sacred shot
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course.
After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?" "Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."