Distant Relative

Santa: So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?

Banta: Yes- their dog is our dog's brother.

Believer

 "Marriage converted me from an atheist to a believer." "That's great. How? How'd that happen?" "I have started believing in hell!"

No cure, no fee

 A doctor's secretary called an old man and said: "Your check came back."

The old man replied, "So did my fever!"

Salute

In a military academy, a civilian chemistry teacher was very conscious of cadets saluting him. One evening he complained to a colleague: "I really can't understand it. When I'm alone no one salutes me; when I'm with my wife, half the academy salutes me; and when I'm with my daughter, every cadet salutes me".

Crash control

As he reviewed pilot crash reports, an Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After a catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed off a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field and hit another tree. Then I lost control."

Sloppy Handwriting

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The older man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, "PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing."

Whiz-kid

A group of children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davy, what noise does a cow make?" "It goes moo, miss."

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?" "It goes meow, miss."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" "It goes baaa, miss."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" "It goes click, miss."

Mistaken identity

A gentleman was much surprised when the good-looking young lady greeted him by saying, "Good evening."

He could not remember ever having seen her before. She evidently realised that she had made a mistake, for she apologised, and explained. "Oh, I'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of two of my children."

She walked on while the man stared after her. She did not realise, of course, that he was unaware of the fact she was a schoolteacher.

Gold Medal

Seb Coe, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends.

At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said, "Sorry, mate, you can't come in here - no denim."

Seb was quite annoyed at this and retorted, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Sebastian Coe."

"Then it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?" replied the bouncer.

Optimism

Q. What is the height of optimism?

Ans: Indian cricket players coming out to bat applying sunscreen on their face.

You are Fired

A worker in a factory went missing for a few hours, and the whole staff    tore up the place looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep in a far-off room in the factory. Rather than wake him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...

"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you wake up, you're fired!"

Peace

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal," the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't talking to me for a month." Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet." "Yeah. But today is the last day."

Like a baby

Two elderly friends were sitting on a park bench in the evening time when one turns to the other asking, "Bill, I'm 83 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?' Bill says, " I feel just like a newborn." Rather amazed, his friend repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A newborn?" 

"Yeah", grins Bill, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants.

Sound sense

A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbours. "They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning."

His friend asked, "Well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain"?

"No — it didn't disturb me. I was practising my trumpet."

Fact or fiction

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called Man, The Master of Women?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

Jesus

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

Politically correct

 A busload of politicians was driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the crash and rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians. A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where had all the politicians gone. The old farmer explained that he'd buried all of them. "Were they all dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."

No time

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals. "Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, lunch from 12 to 3, and dinner from 6 to 8," explained the clerk. "Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

Young wisdom

Teacher: "Why are you late, Frank?"

Frank: "Because of the sign."

Teacher: "What sign?"

Frank: "The one that says, 'School Ahead, Go Slow'."

Total commitment

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

Damp squib

 A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."

"When?" asked the visitor. "Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time."

Blonde in a library

Blonde Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter. Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a big Mac, large fries, and a large coke." The librarian looks at her for a moment then whispers to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library." Judi nods, then she whispers, "I'd like a big Mac, large fries, and a large coke."